1. Computing

The Wacky World of Radio - Zombie Infestations, Part II

Humor/Satire

By

Wacky World of Radio Logo

Wacky World of Radio Logo

Graphic Credit: © Corey Deitz
I have written about radio stations and zombies before but I'm especially interested in the living dead at the moment because I'm also writing a fictional novel about the shuffling horrors. So, I've had more than enough time lately to think about the repercussions of keeping radio stations and morning shows up and running during an infestation brought on by the Mayan Calendar (that's so '2011'), the Apocalypse, or the end-of-the-world via pick-your-reason.

Given that, I have compiled some essential information to help radio workers identify the real enemy. The easiest way to do that is by first being able to identify who should not be shot. That may not seem expedient to you but I think once you read the info you'll understand why I took this approach.

Misidentified Enemy #1

If you work in radio you have no doubt seen them before: hollow-eyed, grunting, moaning, and barely able to walk to an on-air studio. No, they're not zombies. They are morning hosts with hangovers. The typical morning host has been on the radio for too many years, has drunk too many shots of Jack Daniels, and has survived on too little sleep because he cannot resist partying with barely legal female fans. Your job is to identify these people so you DO NOT SHOOT THEM. They will not harm you. They will only harm themselves through a lifestyle that is questionable. Keep your bullets for the real zombies outside the radio station building.

Misidentified Enemy #2

There is a second common misidentification which will waste your resources while you are trying to survive an onslaught of skin puppets. Occasionally, you will come across individuals who repeat the same things over and over again and appear to not have the capacity to think at all. THESE ARE NOT ZOMBIES. They are deejays stuck in jobs where they have to read the same crap repeatedly from "liner cards" and play the same small library of songs day after day. DO NOT SHOOT THEM. They will not harm you. They will only harm themselves by eventually losing their minds from career boredom. Keep your ammunition for the real brain biters outside of the radio station building.

Misidentified Enemy #3

There is a third mistake often made by those charged with protecting a radio station from the scourge of soulless husks that are intent on rampaging through the building and eating the flesh off the office staff. If you see someone who stumbles around and acts as if he or she has no backbone they might be a Market Manager. Market Managers are middle management put in place to kiss butt in the corporate chain of command. Yes, they are spineless but only from a verbal point of view. In reality, there are bones in their back and they are human. DO NOT SHOOT THEM. They will not harm you. They will only harm themselves by eventually losing the respect of everyone who works for them. Hold onto your grenades to fight another day.

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