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God Smites XM's Satellite in Response to Recent Programming Events

Humor/Satire

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Updated May 22, 2007
On Monday (5/21), XM Satellite Radio reported an outage of one of its satellites. The company was quick to characterize it as due to a "software upgrade". But, according to a press release I received, God himself claims to have taken it out. Here now is that press release in full:

God Smites XM Satellite in Response to Recent Programming Events

(Center of the Cosmos) May 21, 2007 - God announced today he had temporarily shutdown one of XM Satellite Radio’s satellites because, "I’m pretty peeved about this Opie & Anthony mess."

When asked if he was offended by the segment which featured a homeless man discussing having violent sex (or raping) Condoleeza Rice and Laura Bush, God was quoted as saying:

"Well, it wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. But, I was really incensed more by the boys suspension. I sent a homeless guy to their show hoping to draw attention to the plight and all and everything just went south. I mean, sure I kinda' wish the guy hadn't been so horny and crass but hey: free will is a crap shoot, right? I was hoping he'd talk about how tough it was on the street."

God admits a lot of people who don’t listen to Opie & Anthony might have been offended by the segment but was quick to add the Bible has a lot of offensive passages including some which condone treating women as objects, killing, adultery, and all sorts of violent and vile things.

"Look," said God, "If you’re going to get offended every time someone opens his mouth, you’re going to be very busy because I make hundreds of new mouths every second on earth. Get over it!"

In addition to stating his disdain for XM’s suspension of Opie & Anthony, God - who claims "Radio" is one of the best things he ever dreamed up - also issued a few words on other recent events.

"Frankly, I'm a little annoyed with a couple of my buds over this Don Imus thing. I like the guy - and I’ve saved his butt quite few times from the big dirt nap (even though I know he kinda’ looks like the walking dead as it is). But, it’s ridiculous that he got fired. What happened to forgiveness? That's one of my big things! Remember? He apologized and asked for it but not one of my Christian bros were able to reach deep enough to find it. So, Reverends Sharpton and Jackson: I want to see you in my office by the end of the week.”

"One more thing," added God, "Even though I’m behind Opie & Anthony on this one, they still owe me for that Sex in St. Patrick’s Cathedral stunt. I haven’t decided what their penance should be. Maybe I’ll make 'em Howard Stern's limo drivers the next time they are fired. We'll catch up on that later. But, I gotta' admit: it was refreshing to see someone having sex in a church besides a priest and a choir boy. Did I say that? Ha.. Ha...well, whatever. Get over it! God...out."

P.S.: A shame about that Melinda Doolittle. What are you people thinking?

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