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Radio Writes to Santa Claus

Satire/Humor

By

Howard Stern - SIRIUS Satellite Radio

Howard Stern - SIRIUS Satellite Radio

Howard Stern - SIRIUS Satellite Radio
Updated November 22, 2009
If some Radio folks wrote to Santa Claus, what might they be asking for this year? Maybe something like what's depicted in the following satirical and fictitious letters. To put it another way: "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. But, Virginia, these requests ain't real."

Radio Letter to Santa #1

Santa Baby,

You know and I know that I was out there years ago pointing out our borders were a festering disgrace, allowing illegal immigrants to infiltrate the America I love. So, for Christmas this year - no wait, I mean for Hanukkah - I want a pinata filled with red, white and blue patriotic novelties which I can let my gardener, Manuel, and housekeeper, Maria, hit over and over again for fun because they do such a great job. Oh, and since it’s for Hanukkah remember: that only counts as one gift. You figure out the other seven - and remember: none of Al Franken’s books, okay?

- Michael Savage

Radio Letter to Santa #2

Dear Man in Red and White Suit,

This year for our non-religiously labeled holiday (because we don’t want to offend anyone who many not hold such religious views), our network would like a cashiers' check in the amount of $10 million dollars so we can pay off a few bills and stay afloat. Oh, and we’d like more listeners, too.

- Your friends at Air America Radio

P.S. If possible, please drop something heavy on Rush Limbaugh when flying over Florida. That would be really cool!

Radio Letter to Santa #3

Dear Bearded Wonder,

El Rushbo here! On Blitzen! On Rudolph! Off Oxycontin - for years! No, really. Everything’s cool. Never even think about the stuff. (Now look Santa: I realize you’re also “on loan from God” - so to speak - and I shouldn’t probably be asking you this BUT, I know with the hours you have to keep you probably have to take a few “pick me ups” once-in-a-while. Capiche? So, if you have any extra prescription pain-killers, just discreetly drop them in my stocking. Don’t get me wrong: been off the stuff for years. But, it IS the holidays and I’ve just been feeling a little “anxious” lately.) On Dancer! And a Very Merry Christmas to All - preferably as a nativity display on public property!

Your friend, Rush Limbaugh

Radio Letter to Santa #4

Hey you fat bastard:

I want you to give cancer to everyone on the XM side - especially that Opie and Anthony. Yeah: those guys first. Remind them which company bought which company. And tell some of my old “friends” at CBS Radio they can kiss my ass. That would make me very happy and if you do it as soon as possible, I’ll send over a stripper when you’re done with the toy thing.

- Howard Stern, SIRIUS XM Radio

Radio Letter to Santa #5

Yo, Santa Dude!

This year my Podcasting peers and I would just like a little respect. That’s what we’re asking for. I mean, Podcasting really IS radio, okay!? There’s no difference between a Podcast and a radio show on an AM or FM station....except for maybe the fact that our radio shows are just really files and they’re like, downloadable and not transmitted through the air. But, that’s it. Otherwise: Podcasts are Radio.

- Attily Edwards, President, Podcasters of America Who Are Not on Radio Stations

Radio Letter to Santa #6

Dear Santa,

At our recent meeting we decided we must be nuts owning over 1200 AM and FM radio stations in an age when new technologies like Internet streaming, iPods, mp3 files, cell phones, PDAs, and Satellite Radio have made significant in-roads. So, if you would, can you please turn the clock back to 1995 so we can undo that insane buying spree we went on for about 5 years? And those 448 radio stations we’re unloading? See what you can do about a few buyers. Thank you and look for a few special “stock”-ing options in your sock from us this year!

- Board of Directors, Clear Channel Radio

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