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How to Defend Your Radio Station Against a Zombie Attack

The Radio Halloween Survival Guide - Zombie Preparation

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A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbury Park NJ, USA.

A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbury Park NJ, USA.

Photo: Bob Jagendorf, Creative Commons
So, you work at a radio station or you've been chased into an abandoned radio station by marauding zombies - now what? Well, there are plenty of ways you can maximize your situation and fight off the undead. You just have to know what resources are at your finger tips. That's where I come in: I'm the deejay zombies hate the most.

As an employee of a radio station, I have an elevated sense of dread when it comes to the subject of Zombies and a zombie rampage because everyone knows when the undead get behind a microphone they are at best boorish, at worst controlling, and if you're just lucky they'll create just enough havoc to keep the weaker humans fearful.

That's why I've prepared this short memorandum on how to prepare a radio station against attack by zombies during Halloween or an apocalyptic event.

Tip #1: Reinforce your Windows - Chances are you won't have any pieces of wood or old shutters to nail up like in the movies. What you can do is move station vans into place to block windows. Besides, if it's a "Light Rock" station, an air-brushed montage of the Bee Gees, Bread, Kenny G., and Michael Bolton is a zombie's natural enemy. They cannot gaze upon it.

Tip #2: Maximize the Mascot - If your station has a mascot and an intern, use them to maximum efficiency. In a dire situation there's nothing wrong with dressing the intern in the 101.1 Country-Fried-Chicken-Suit and forcing him at gunpoint to distract the zombies away from the building. This is what interns are for.

Tip #3: Microphones can be Used as Weapons - They are usually designed with one end slimmer and pointier than another. Disconnect any microphone cables and plunge microphone directly into forehead of zombie. (Warning: you cannot expect a reasonable frequency response from microphones when using them to aerate skulls.)

Tip #4: Caffeine Grenades - Some typical radio station studios may contain as many as 10 to 20 old coffee cups in them either left there by current or former employees. The evaporating java in these buttercups is like nectar from the Gods. Gather up all the left-over coffee and pool into one container. What you will have is a toxic liquid even the EPA doesn't have a form for. Splash oncoming zombies with this potent mix and watch as they drop down and writhe.

Tip #5: On-Air and Under Siege - The following songs will give you enough time to shoot a zombie on one side of the building and get back to the on-air studio for your next break: "I Won't See You Tonight Part 1" by Avenged Sevenfold (8:58); "In My Time of Dying" by Led Zeppelin (11:06); "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits (8:27); "Rapper's Delight" by Sugarhill Gang (14:37)

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