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Hi Santa....I'm your new consultant. The home office hired me to fly in here a couple of times-a-year and give you my thoughts on how you can boost some of those sagging ratings. Oh, sure I know: you've maintained some fairly respectable numbers with the "12 and under" demo for a long time, but Santa, babe, let's face it: it's not like you've had a lot of competition! Admit it: not many other old guys are running around dropping dolls down chimneys, now are they? Be honest: You're kind of winning the share you have by default. If someone comes along and challenges you, it could mean trouble!

Now look: I've done a little call out research...and your share of 18+ adults is just - well - PATHETIC!. Our focus groups all show your credibility REALLY suffers with men and women, especially 18 to 49 and 54-plus is just a joke. Now, look: I've drawn up a few suggestions for you which I really feel are going to help a whole lot.

First: LESS talk. I mean, how many times in any given conversation do you think it's necessary to say, "Ho, Ho, Ho?" One "Ho" is more than enough! According to my research, we're losing adults after that second "Ho". What we want to do is less "Ho" and more Music! And when the kids are sitting on your knee? Do some kind of "Santa relate" in 10 seconds or less. And don't feel like you've got to talk between every kid! A quick "Merry Christmas" is all you need, especially between siblings. What you don't want to do is risk boring them with a lot of superfluous chit-chat. The last thing we want are kids going over to the competition -if we ever have any.

Now, back to that music issue. When you're at the mall I want you to get those part-time helpers who take the photos to crank up the carols just a little louder. As a matter of fact, What I'm really thinking is "10-Carols-In-A-Row". If we have to, we might even consider speeding up each carol by 10% so we can fit another one into each hour and claim to play the MOST Christmas Carols !

Of course, we can't play just any Christmas carols and songs because some of them seem to test quite poorly. But, you know that "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" song? Yeah, I know it sucks but they LOVE it. We'll put that into a high rotation and hit it every 90 minutes or so. I'm thinking about a universe of music comprised of, say, 42 songs. What? Yeah, I know there are hundreds of songs but hey: I'd rather play only the stuff that tested well....and nothing with any negatives. What do you mean you KNOW there are other songs they like? This is no time for unscientific gut-reactions, jelly-belly. Now, come on: if we're going to shore up your standing, we've got to go with what we know.

O.K. Next, let's get one of the elves to write up some nice signs with slogans like:

"Less Ho, More Carols"
"10-In-A-Row Or Your Christmas Back"
"More Music, Less Jingles"

Oh, that reminds me: did I mention the Jingle Bells have to go? Yeah, people are really burned on the ones you got from TM Century. How do I know? Well, I got 5 people together in a quiet room and conducted a focus group. Ever hear of one, fat boy? You talk like you've been living near the North Pole! Do you have any idea how valid the thoughts of five people are compared to the whole population? You get the right folks into a closed environment for 3 hours and what they tell you is almost like gospel!!

NEVER doubt a focus group, Claus! I'm a CONSULTANT! I KNOW this stuff! What do you mean the last consultant told you to INCREASE the Jingle Bells? He cited WHAT research? No, I never heard of that research. Well, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.

So, that's pretty much it. I'll be back in 3 months to check up on you and see how well you've integrated these suggestions. I'd like to stay longer but I've got to catch a flight to PA. I've got a little furry guy in Punxatawney who's absolutely BLOWING his credibility when it comes to his predictions of Spring. Oh...by the way, that'll be $10,000.

Merry Christmas!

- Corey Deitz

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