<FONT style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal; FONT-SIZE: 12px; FONT-STYLE: normal">Dear President Bush,
<FONT style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal; FONT-SIZE: 12px; FONT-STYLE: normal">Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Iraq and let us do what comes naturally.
<FONT style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal; FONT-SIZE: 12px; FONT-STYLE: normal">Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future.
<FONT style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal; FONT-SIZE: 12px; FONT-STYLE: normal">We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. <FONT style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal; FONT-SIZE: 12px; FONT-STYLE: normal">We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound.
<FONT style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal; FONT-SIZE: 12px; FONT-STYLE: normal">We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Iraq with no food at all! We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding Saddam Hussein in some tunnel will be no problem. <FONT style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal; FONT-SIZE: 12px; FONT-STYLE: normal">Uniting all the warring tribes of Iraq in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare. <FONT style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal; FONT-SIZE: 12px; FONT-STYLE: normal">Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. <FONT style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal; FONT-SIZE: 12px; FONT-STYLE: normal">We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ...with or without the government's help!<FONT style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal; FONT-SIZE: 12px; FONT-STYLE: normal">Let us go and fight. Saddam Hussein's regime hates women. Imagine his terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. <FONT style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal; FONT-SIZE: 12px; FONT-STYLE: normal">Sincerely, The Mature Women of the United States
